For All the Bad Things I Said About You…

For a moment I imagined I lost you, our love,
what would I regret, what do I wish I would’ve done different to have kept you in my life, keep my heart in my life.

For all the bad things I said about you, everytime I spoke your name to a friend, a family member,
or even a stranger.

Where my heart for a moment told them of our shortcomings,
the things you do that make me feel insecure,
I do everything to make you feel perfect for you to love me,
but yet I somehow feel as if that hookup is the reason you didn’t love me, I didn’t have something they did.

That you couldn’t be faithful because I didn’t fit your mold.

Or even worse,
I wasn’t her. That I’ve seen you in pain, and wonder if you’d hurt the same for me. Would you cry more tears for me than you had her.
Is this love that we have for one another,
it’s all in my mind.
To me nothing compares to our ecstacy,
but I get scared that maybe to you I’m just “alright”, but not her!

My friends know you as unfaithful, unkind, unfair, as no one more undeserving of my love.

For all the bad things I said about you,
I never told them of our perfect moments. The moments taken for granted,
that outweighed all the bad.

I never spoke of your gentleness in your hands,
in the way you would hold me as we walked down the street,
it made me feel like only the two of us existed in a city with 8 million people.
the way you would play with my curls, or used your thumbs to brush my eyebrows.

you loved my eyebrows!

I never tell them of the moment I knew I fell in love with you, the moment I knew you owned my heart.
Under the shade of the hundred year old pine tree,
atop a purple blanket I stared into your beautiful eyes,

and you told me “no one has ever looked at me like that before”. That in that moment I felt the purest happiness,

to be able to look into someone’s eyes and see the purity in their heart, the love they have to offer the world.

I saw the opposite person of whom I described to strangers,
I saw the opposite person in the way she described you in that DM. I didn’t see some evil monster, douchebag,
I saw my guardian angel. My knight in shining armor.

For all the bad things I said about you,
I never mentioned your laugh, the way you could make me laugh. so hard we felt our stomachs ache in pain.
that the laughs would turn to smiles in silence.

I never uttered a word of the way you valued my words. That I could nerd out to you about history,
and you would listen.
You’d listen to all my political rants,

reminiscing of memory, my stories.

I never said how much I loved you,
I never said how much you loved me, how you made me feel loved.

I wish I could go back and thank you for loving me,
I wish I could hear you say you loved me one more time.

For all the bad things I said about you,
I wish I would’ve said more of how much I absolutely loved you.

For that I am so sorry.